


she means everything to me

by rawriexd



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Heartbreak, Lesbian Yachi Hitoka, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28981560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawriexd/pseuds/rawriexd
Summary: Yachis sexuality crisis and Kiyokos weddings
Relationships: Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	she means everything to me

After graduating Yachi decided to suppress all the confusion and heartache high school had left her with. She knew she needed to sit down and stare into the mirror and decipher what everything meant, but she couldn't bring herself to. Instead she flung herself at the first guy who called her pretty at a party and convinced herself she was in love with him.

It was fine at first, he was tall and she enjoyed his hugs. He always sent good morning texts with a string of emojis. He had a stable job and nice friends who she enjoyed hanging out with. He never pressured her to do anything and held her when she had anxiety attacks.

But she couldn't ignore how his dark hair and glasses reminded her of what she tried so hard to bury. When she held his hand she kept expecting it to be lighter and softer. When she snuggled next to him at night she expected a soft thin frame but was met with a man's chest and the smell of cologne. She nitpicked everything about him. Some days she couldn't even stand the way his voice deepened in the morning or how he was obsessed with horror movies. Some days she couldn't even stand the way he breathed, it was too loud, too moist. Everyday she bit back her hate for the man in bed with her and tried to fit the model girlfriend.

As she grew up she couldn't help but feel like she was watching her own life from the outside in. She was a small preppy blonde girlfriend who made dinner and cuddled with her tall dark haired boyfriend. She saw how tight her smile was and how it dropped the instant he looked away. 

She still convinced herself she loved him as their one year anniversary approached. Every night leading up to the day she threw up from how much she cried. She told herself it was nerves, her anxiety always acts up at weird times. One particular night left her shaking more than usual. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't keep any food down that day. She couldn't stop crying and just walking from the bed to the bathroom made her bones ache. After high school she kept decent contact with everyone, except a few people. Her closest friend was Yamaguchi, he understood her anxious ways unlike anyone she had met, and luckily their schools were close to each so still got coffee on days they were free. So with puffy red eyes and a shaky voice she dialed him at 4am.

“Yachi? Are you okay?” Yamaguchi greeted her. She tried to find her voice, shocked he would answer.

“Do you ever get annoyed at Tsukki for small things?” She finally croaked out.

“Do i-what? Your voice sounds strained, have you been crying?”

“Like does he do small things that make you get so irritated and grossed out? Like they shouldn't matter but it just irks you and you can't stop thinking about it?” She rambled on while ignoring his question.  
“I mean sometimes Tsukki can be a pain in the ass but he's my boyfriend so i love him and his annoying things? Why does that matter thou-” She heard the gears in his brain turn as he paused,

“Is this about Kuroo?”

She let out a deep sigh, “Yes.”

“What does he do? Does he hurt you because even though you think its small it probably isn't and-”

“No. Like actual small things. Like...he breathes really weird. It's so loud and moist you'd think someone would know how to breathe correctly!” She practically yelled into the phone. Yamaguchi went silent as she waited for his response.

“...His breathing? Is there anything else?”

“Well he loves dumb horror movies and they suck so much. His voice is too deep and his hands are big and gross. His glasses don't suit his face and his fucking breathing! If you heard it you'd get it”

“So he's not like hurting you or anything, you just don't like things about him that have always been there?’

“Well don't put it like that.” She huffed into the phone and sat up.

“Well you seemed so happy before, you used to love his glasses? What changed?”

Yachi stared at the ceiling. What had changed? Or had nothing changed and she just couldn't keep watching herself put on a performance everyday. She had probably known the answer for a while if she was honest with herself.

“I don't love him. I don't think I ever did.” she whispered so quietly she wasn't sure if yamaguchi could hear it.

“I'm sorry Yachi.”

“I don't think he's the problem. I think the problem is….”

“Kiyoko?”

Yashi's whole body froze at the name. God she didn't want to think about all that! Is that what that was? What she tried so hard to suppress..

And then it hit her. Everything she wanted to change about him was to make him more like her. She liked his glasses, but not on him. She hated how tall and manly he was and how his chest was too hard and-

“I never loved him because he was a man.” Her voice broke at the end as she let out a pitiful wail. She could barely hear her friends comforting words as she choked on her tears and shut her phone off before sleeping, hoping she would wake up happy in Kuroos arms and enjoy it for the first time.

\---  
She did not wake up happy or in Kuroos arms. She awoke to her phone vibrating on her stomach which caused her to sit up quickly. Her mouth was an odd mix of vodka and vomit aftertastes. Slowly she rubbed her eyes and checked her phone to see a flood of messages, some still coming through. Yachi forced herself to take deep breaths while reading Yamaguchi's endless stream of concern. His texts were asking if she's okay over and over, with growing concern, and eventually him saying he was at her door along with more missed calls. She even had some annoyed texts from Tsukki, figures since she sent his boyfriend into a panic at 5am.

Guilt rushed over her as she typed a huge apology paragraph to her friend. He replied instantly saying it was fine and to check her front door. Yachi groaned and wobbled across her apartment to see her favorite chocolates and a little note on the doorstep. More tears flooded as she saw Yamaguchi's drawing of them smiling along with a loving note about accepting yourself. She wiped her tears and texted Yamaguchi about how much she loved him. As she texted him her phone shook from her boyfriend's messages she was trying to ignore. He was just asking when she wanted to go to dinner and saying how much he loved her and how happy he was for their anniversary. Yachi almost threw her phone at the excessive emojis and hearts.

She decided to sit on the floor and munch on Yamaguchi's gift while she tried to sort her mind out. She did not love Kuroo. Well, she loved him as a friend, but not love love. And it wasn't him, it was the fact he was a guy. Now that she had said it out loud last night, all her behaviors growing up made sense. She never developed any crushes on boys, she was too busy staring at any tall girls with glasses. At the time she thought it was jealousy, but now she knows that knot in her stomach was something else. Something she tried to ignore for so long. 

At age five she remembers having her two girl dolls get married, simply because she lost her only ken, but it made her mother lectured and yelled at her for hours. She remembers her mothers hard love and strict future plan for her. A nice, stable husband with a kid or two so she could be a grandmother. Her heart twisted as the reality of her mother accepting anything less than a husband sunk in. She was ecstatic when Yachi brought home Kuroo and it made her mother actually reply to her texts. Even if it was about Kuroo and marriage, it was still more than being left on read for months.

But now she had to end that. That relationship that made her mom not drop her completely. Was she ready to lose her mothers love, or could she fake loving Kuroo for a little longer. Squeeze dinner and movies with her a few more times. She can't, though, that's selfish to Kuroo.

God Kuroo. How do you tell you’re boyfriend you're a lesbian on your first year anniversary. How do you even break up with someone she asked herself. She knew she shouldn't do it over text, so she forced herself to get up and get ready. Making herself look like she hadn't spent the whole week drunk and crying was a hard task, but by the time she was ready to go her eyes were only a little puffy.

Yachi doesn't remember how long she stared at his door before she finally knocked with a shaky hand.

“YACHI! I was scared you fell in the shower or something-hey are you okay?” Kuroo said, smile falling. 

“I think I'm a lesbian.”

She looked down, scared to see his face, “You can be mad at me I know this is the worst day but I jus-”

Arms pulling her closer silenced her. She froze, she expected yelling and door slamming. But here she was, being held by the man she faked her love to for a year. She wrapped her arms around him too and let out a soft cry as he pet her head and mumbled comforting words.

\----  
When Yachi received the invitation she was in a much better mental state. Her and Kuroos friendship was awkward at first, but it wasn't too hard transitioning since she realized they kind of acted like friends when they were a couple. He and Yamaguchi held her tightly through the year that followed the break up and realization. It felt nice to focus on her friendships as she spent more time with her high school friends and had to reteach herself how to not get flustered when talking to pretty girls at work.

Yachi's' progress shattered when she opened the mail to see a wedding invitation decorated in flower drawings and pink. It was for Kiyoko and Tanaka, despite the fact she fell out of contact with both of them after high school.

She debated for weeks if she should attend, but when the day came she was on the train with Yamaguchi and Tsukki. Yachi had dressed up the best she could despite not even wanting to get up from her bed. Her heart felt so heavy that it sunk to her feet and made it hard to drag her feet. 

When they arrived Yamaguchi held her hand softly as they mingled with their childhood friends. If it was under different circumstances she'd be delighted to see her old classmates. She loved giggling with Hinata like they had so many years ago. Daichi talked about how the two getting married were too young before Suga shoved him gently. Noya was already intoxicated and flirting with Tanaka's extended family. Kageyama and Tsukki had both drifted to the back to hide by the snacks table. It was like old simpler times.

Yachi was able to enjoy herself before she sat down for the ceremony. When the music played she was reminded of her heart that was weighing her down. Tanaka's smile while looking down the aisle made her stomach turn. She was so jealous she wanted to jump up and take his suit and put it on her. What should she would do to be a man, a man for her.

Her.

Kiyoko was drowning in white silk and flower petals when Yachi looked at her. Yachi could have sworn time stopped when she looked at her and smiled with slightly teary eyes. It was like she was right back in high school, frozen and red whenever kiyoko glanced her way. Following her around, infatuated by her words and eyes. Right back to all the nights she stayed up thinking about how it would feel to hold her and kiss her, but still denying her sexuality.

Now with Kiyoko walking down the aisle in front of her, it was impossible to deny the crush she tried to bury so deep. It felt like her crush was exploding in her stomach and chest as her skin flamed up. She watched with slow tears as Kiyoko stood next to Tanaka, hands wrapped around each other. She could hear the priest talking but it felt like background noise to Kiyoko's wide smile. 

“Am l allowed to look at her like that. Could it be wrong? When she's just so nice to look at. ” Yachi whispered to Asahi who was next to her.

He looks at her in confusion.

“I'm so happy for her. She always...she still does….means everything to me” Yachi said, choking on her tears a little. Asahi looked at her with pity and held her hand as she silenced her cries. 

When they kissed Yachi smiled. She felt like her heart was broken beyond repair, but seeing Kiyoko so happy and in love made her feel warm. Even if it wasn't her, she would still have someone to hold her in bed every night. Seeing Kiyoko felt like the last step on her journey of discovering herself, seeing her high school crush, her first real crush. A crush so big it followed her in college and tore her up inside when she tried to ignore it. But now she wasn't ignoring it, now she was seeing it as her first love, the first girl she loved. And for that she was thankful. Even if Kiyoko wasn't hers, she still meant everything to her.

**Author's Note:**

> this is inspired by she by dodie and a tik tok headcannon by greenb3ans_ , thank u sm for the inspo ur tik tok made me cry. anyways lol this is messy but enjoy -ellie <3


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